Monday, March 29, 2010

Starting a Family.

Yesteday, I went to the church, attending a Sunday Mass, it was Palm Sunday [link]. One more week before Easter. No, it's not about church that I want to write about, but it was about these young families that I saw. They just had babies, going to the church together; some of them taking care the babies by themselves, but some of the took their nannies or maids. The parents looked like those yuppie-young-urban-professional-type & have that even-though-I'm-young-I-can-do-this-family-thing-kind-of-look. Looking at them, especially their  cute-yet-sometimes-annoying-babies, kind of makes me happy, or put a nice smiley face.

Deep down inside, I kind of want that, you know. To start a family, juggling between job & home, have a kid or two, taking care of them, had a passionate love-life with the wife, Oh, it's going to be hell, I know, but I guess, that is what you called life, or maybe that's what everybody told me. I mean, what do you want in life? You were born, went to school, graduated, find a job, being good & successful at it, taking care your parents & start your own family, and die rich & happy. Ah, you wish that it could be that good, plain & simple but it's not. Life sometimes just so f*cked up & you wish that you're dead.

Right now, I'm 26 going on 27, still naive, self-centered & selfish, not to mention, childish. Single-available-and-sometimes-desperate-for-attention, confused & maybe still uncomfortable with his own body image & sexuality, had a not-so-decent-job & still trying a new one, the one that you can call a career & actually making money out of it, and still figuring out what I want, the reason why I'm here, where am I at in this what-so-called-f*cked up world. These are NOT qualities for a family man, even so, not so much for a husband material. How can I possibly become a father to a child when I still act like one?

A few years back, just a couple of months before my father passed away, I was doing a foot rub/massaging his feet. He always liked it. We always had something to talked about at that time, just  one of those some small talk session. At that day, suddenly he talked about me getting married. He said, when the time comes for you to get married, he wished that I found the one & it had to be a one time only, if you're not ready, don't get married. Don't ever say you're ready to commit just because everybody was pushing you, or maybe just because it was the right thing to do & he hoped that I didn't get married because I made some girl pregnant. He wished that I found a WOMAN *a real woman, not a man or transgendered or anything, a woman with real anatomy* & has the same religion, preferably Catholic. Race is up to  me is up to me, as long she can fit-in with the family. She has to be a nice woman, smart, loving, caring, not just to you, but also to the family. One more thing, I can tolerate differences but your mom, not so much. You have to find that special person who can "connect" with her. Thank you dad, for setting the standard so high.

Apparently, this was the last conversation that we had for a long time. Months after that, he got sick really bad, and then I lost him. It breaks my heart every time I remember this & also, seeing those young families breaks my heart even more because he really wanted to see me like that. I want to give it to you dad, but if really know son, it's not that simple & even so, maybe almost impossible. I wish I can make you proud.

Am I ready get married or I can say starting a family? Have a wife & kids with a house & an amazing job?
I really don't know the answer for that.
But the time is ticking & the pressure just keeps on hitting me in the head.

You & your crazy talk .mister.dison., just stop it, it's annoying.

xoxo,

2 comments:

Arman said...

hmmm kalo gua boleh sharing ya... well hope lu gak tersinggung. bukan bermaksud untuk mengajari, cuma berbagi pengalaman doang...

gua dulu juga mengalami masa2 kayak gitu. soalnya gua dulu awalnya juga sangat egois dan childish (secara anak bungsu gitu). gua cuma mau seneng2. hang out sana sini. haha hihi.

tapi gua juga sebenernya deep down inside pengen punya keluarga. apalagi kalo di mal ngeliat pasangan muda bawa2 stroller... rasanya pengen gitu. hehehe.

nah balik lagi untuk akhirnya ready to start a family, menurut gua yang penting harus punya 3 hal ini:
1. niat
2. mindset
3. jodoh

tentang keuangan, itu bukan hal yang penting sekali ed. trust me. banyak orang yang keuangannya jauh di bawah lu tapi bisa berkeluarga dan survive. kalo mikirin keuangan, gak akan pernah kita merasa siap. pasti selalu merasa kurang. keuangan itu bisa dicari. kalo perlu pun suami istri bisa sama2 kerja kan. rumah bisa dicicil, kalo perlu awal2 bisa ngontrak dulu kan. anak pun bawa rejeki sendiri. kita dulu pas married juga serba pas2an. mana pas setelah punya anak sampe gak punya tabungan sama sekali lho (bahkan masih punya cicilan). tapi ya lambat laun bisa nambah lagi kok. jadi once again, keuangan jangan dijadiin kendala.

1. niat.
kalo gua liat lu udah punya niat. itu udah bagus. lu udah mulai kepikir kalo having a family of your own itu menyenangkan. lu pengen itu. berarti lu udah punya niat. that's a start.

2. mindset
nah ini yang rada susah. mengubah keegoisan dan ke-childish-an kita. mesti mulai dicoba untuk mau berbagi dengan orang lain. mulai mencoba untuk komitmen. walaupun mungkin lu belum ketemu yang sreg, coba dulu aja. ini buat pembelajaran aja. kalo emang itu bukan jodoh lu ya gak apa putus. at least lu udah mencoba. kalo kita berlarut2 dengan being single, akan tambah susah nantinya untuk mau berkomitmen. udah keenakan bisa ngikutin semau2nya kita. kalo lagi pengen pergi ya pergi, kalo lagi pengen di rumah ya di rumah. pengen nonton ya nonton. terserah kita. nah ini yang harus diubah. kita kudu nyoba kalo gak semuanya harus terserah kita. kita kudu nyoba gimana kalo kita berbagi hidup ama orang lain. kalo pas kitanya males pergi tapi pacar kita pengen pergi gimana?

3. jodoh
untuk bener2 siap mau married emang harus yakin kalo kita udah ketemu jodoh kita. yang ini sih emang kita gak bisa ngatur. tapi at least dengan kita berusaha merubah mindset di atas, gua yakin jalan untuk ketemu jodoh akan lebih terbuka. karena kita kalo ngeliat orang udah bukan cuma mau hura2 doang. kita lebih ngeliat ke dalem. lebih serius gitu lah. bukan cuma buat seneng2.

well ya kira2 begitu deh kalo menurut gua ya. moga2 bisa jadi pertimbangan buat lu.

-Tess- said...

Take your time,
getting married and having ur own family is a big thing, and there is nothing to rush.

Menjadi TUA itu PASTI
Menjadi DEWASA itu PILIHAN.

If you know that u are still that selfish-self centered and other bla's, then change it ! :D
You are what u think, stay positive and stop thinking that u are that all bad stuffs that u said.

I know ur dad is proud of you. Don't worry about it :)